Naruto: Ultimate Ninja Stories 3: Hidden Tales of Hilarity
by Sonata-Time-Flare-Nocturne-Aoi
Summary: Story is complete! This is a special collection of Naruto-centered side-projects revolving around comedy (and some romance) that we've written over the past fifteen years, never to see the light of day…until now! See what stories remain to be told that put a hilarious spin on the daily lives of our favorite shinobi! Rated T for language, suggestive situations, and violence.
1. Story 1: Sasuke's Stupid Test

**Story**: Naruto: Ultimate Ninja Stories 3: Hidden Tales of Hilarity  
**Authors**: Master Jin Sonata, Time Master, Flarezero, Nocturne, Aoi  
**Written**: July 31, 2019  
**Genre**: Humor  
**Rating**: T (Crude Humor, Strong Language, Violence, Strong Suggestive Themes)  
**Disclaimer**: I do not own Naruto or its motley crew of ninjas.  
**Author's Note**: While this is the third fic in this series' trilogy, this has no connections to the previous installments. So whether you choose to read our first two 'Ultimate Ninja Stories' fics or not will not impact this one. ;)

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Welcome! The following is the order of individual stories that will be released within this fic, ordered from oldest written to newest, each composed by a different member of our multi-author team of nearly 20 years. Please enjoy!

**Story 1: Sasuke's Stupid Test**  
**Originally Written**: February 3, 2003  
**Author**: Master Jin Sonata

**Story 2: Laundry Day Gone Astray**  
**Originally Written**: April 2, 2004  
**Author**: Flarezero

**Story 3: Akatsuki Bathroom Horror**  
**Originally Written**: October 12, 2008  
**Author**: Time Master

**Story 4: Team 7's Busted Fortunes**  
**Originally Written**: June 18, 2009  
**Author**: Aoi

**Story 5: Hidan's Cat**  
**Originally Written**: December 4, 2010  
**Author:** Time Master

**Story 6: Kakashi The Substitute**  
**Originally Written**: October 12, 2015  
**Author**: Nocturne and Aoi

*********BONUS!*** Story 7: Don't Mess With Kyubi**  
**Originally Written**: July 29, 2019  
**Author**: Master Jin Sonata

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**Hidden Tales of Hilarity ****Story 1: Sasuke's Stupid Test  
Originally Written**: February 3, 2003  
**Author**: Master Jin Sonata

Sasuke grunted. This test…it was like nothing he'd ever done before.

"Hurry up Sasuke! You're taking too long!"

His eyes flickered to the left, watching Naruto and Sakura, waiting in line for another turn. They'd passed it quickly and easily the first time. His eye twitched. How annoying. Yet another thing the blonde idiot could do and he couldn't.

"Stop annoying Sasuke-kun!"

Sasuke was glad he was on the other side of the room to the angry pinkette. He was glad Naruto was there, it was amusing to see him constantly getting his ass beaten by her. The Uchiha sighed. Naruto would just have to wait. This test was difficult. And annoying. It was fairly simple in principal, but in reality…Sasuke felt another muscle tighten and pull uncomfortably.

He sighed and edged forward a little more, trying not to bend. As he shuffled along, he glanced at Kakashi-sensei and glared. The moron wasn't even paying attention! He was reading that stupid book again! The teen glared at his teacher, mentally wishing looks could kill.

All he had to do was bend, like a tree in a storm. As long as he didn't touch it, he'd be fine. Why was it so damn hard! Even Sakura did it, and she had no talent at all! Sasuke took a deep breath and continued his slow shuffle.

Steady. He shuffled his feet forward a few inches. A few more steps, and then he'd be done. The enigma tilted his head back, trying hard to stay within the boundaries. A bit closer now, he was so close-!

A sudden shout from Naruto made him startle and almost hit it. A quick patented death glare made the moron shut up. Sasuke breathed in and closed the remaining inches between him and the end. He sighed with relief as he stood, the joints in his back cracking, not having liked being in such a position.

"Finally! Can I have another go? Please? I wanna show Sasuke how it's done _properly_!" Naruto ranted, and Sasuke's eye twitched. He could feel his patience running out with that idiot.

Kakashi nodded. "Don't get mad Sasuke. You did take quite a long time."

Seconds to self destruct: 0.

"What do you expect!? That was stupid! What kind of test was that anyway!? How's that supposed to help anyone be a ninja?!" Sasuke blurted out in frustration.

Kakashi dragged his eyes from Icha Icha Paradise. "Huh? Who's talking about ninjas here? Well, I suppose it could help with your flexibility, but…"

"If it wasn't to help with our ninja skills, what was the point!" Sasuke argued.

"The point? To see if you could have fun or not, and so I didn't have to teach, but mainly to see if you could have fun. See I had a bet with Asuma and…" Kakashi began to recollect.

Sasuke sighed and let Kakashi's voice fade as he trudged out of the room.

Seriously, he should of known better. I mean, what use is succeeding at Limbo to a ninja?

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**Please review and keep watch for new chapters as this fic is updated constantly!**


	2. Story 2: Laundry Day Gone Astray

**Hidden Tales of Hilarity Story 2: Laundry Day Gone Astray  
****Originally Written**: April 2, 2004  
**Author**: Flarezero

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This was something they didn't tell you about when you signed up to be a ninja.

Makes sense they don't tell you; what five-year-old would willingly want to do laundry in frigid-cold rivers? What _adult_ would willingly want to do laundry in a frigid-cold river?

Besides bloody and stinking ninjas, of course.

At least, they were only the latter, Shikamaru reasoned, and not former. Still, this was a lot more work than he liked to do, and the chore was doubly annoying with Ino along, he thought, when the girl went down with a scream.

"Its freezing!"

Shikamaru rolled his eyes.

"Of course its freezing when you decide to dunk yourself in as well as the clothes, Ino."

"It's not my fault! The rocks were slipperier than they looked!"

He bit his lip determined not to say anything. The sooner they got this done, the sooner he could go back to cloud watching. At least Chouji and Asuma-sensei were taking care of dinner in exchange for this chore. Chouji was a good cook.

"Look at this! I'm soaked, and all my other clothes are wet too. Stupid laundry! Stupid river!"

Finally glancing up, he could see Ino was right. The shirt she was wearing was just as wet as what was in his hand, only what was on her body clung oddly in places, curving out just a bit, and then there were these hard, little-

Oh, gods.

His insides started, turning all funny.

Look away. Look _away_.

Hair stuck to her cheek. Recently cut from the chuunin exams, Shikamaru had thought the short hair made her look younger, but suddenly he was the one feeling like a little boy.

What would she do if he just reached out and pushed it back? If then he ran his hand down her face and neck, if he touched _those_?

Where had _those_ even come from? When did _that_ happen?

"Ah!" Ino whined. She also bit her lip.

That was bad. Or...? No. Bad. She didn't seem to notice him staring though. That was good.

"Now I'm going to have re-bandage everything when I get back to camp too! Do you have any idea how long that takes?"

And then she began taking them _off_, unwinding the bandages sopping wet twist by sopping wet twist.

Shikamaru paled, felt all that blood draining somewhere..._else_, and turned his eyes back to his work, scrubbing harder than ever. Trust Ino to be annoying even when... wet.

That _somewhere else _ached, and Shikamaru moved out into deeper water.

Don't think about it. Just. Don't. Think.

It's better to just try to get this chore done before an annoying Ino grew eyes and turned into a deadly Ino.

"Hey! Wait up!"

A splash and then he only had time to register his own back getting soaked before Ino jumped on top of him and dunked him under. It could have been the water burning his eyes, the mouthful of pond weed that somehow got lodged in his mouth and practically half way down his lungs, or it could've been Ino's breasts sliding up against his back, but he suddenly thought, death by laundry?

There could be worse ways to go.

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**Please review and keep watch for new chapters as this fic is updated constantly!**


	3. Story 3: Akatsuki Bathroom Horror

**Hidden Tales of Hilarity Story 3: Akatsuki Bathroom Horror  
****Originally Written**: October 12, 2008  
**Author**: Time Master

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Deidara knew something was off once he entered the Akatsuki base and found Kakuzu and Tobi playing a game of cards together at the kitchen table. Kakuzu _hated_ Tobi, so for him to be getting along with him and not trying to rip off his mask and burn him alive, one of two things had to have happened when Deidara was gone; either Kakuzu lost a bet with another Akatsuki member, or he and Tobi were plotting something.

Deidara feared for the latter.

"Ah, senpai, you've returned! Tobi sees you still have your arms attached this time!"

Deidara's eyebrow twitched and his hand fidgeted on his clay pack. "Shut the hell up, Tobi."

"So, how was your first solo mission in Akatsuki, little man? Get your ass kicked?" Kakuzu asked, keeping a poker-faced glare behind his hand of cards. "You look like you got ran over by a steamroller."

Before Deidara could explode Kakuzu and Tobi with the clay spider he was molding in one of his palms, Kisame walked into the kitchen with a horrified expression on his face.

"Hey," said Kisame while motioning down the hallway. "What in the hell is –?"

"SHH!" Kakuzu and Tobi hushed him at the same time.

Kisame warily glanced back and forth between Kakuzu, Tobi, and Deidara, who had a scowl on his face. He _knew_ the two of them were planning something; now he just needed to find out what they had done while he was away.

After watching Deidara storm down the hallway, Kisame turned to the plotting duo. "You realize he's going to kill the both of you, right?"

Kakuzu shrugged and laid down a card. "I'm stronger than he is, so it's no biggie. Plus, I have you and Tobi here to protect me."

"So true!" Tobi said perkily.

"… Don't drag me into your dumbass antics," said Kisame.

"You gotta admit, though, it's a pretty amusing prank," Kakuzu said.

"Yeah, but I'm not the one who's going to be cleaning up the mess after he explodes everything in the vicinity."

After sorting through all his belongings in his room for almost an hour, Deidara found nothing out of the ordinary, which pissed him off even more. Perhaps Kakuzu and Tobi had been bluffing; the two of them were probably laughing at him right now for freaking out over nothing.

Growling, he stood up and headed toward the bathroom. He'd take a piss then deal with the two afterwards. After knocking and finding that nobody was inside, he opened the door and slammed it shut. As he unzipped his pants, he lifted the toilet seat and prepared to relieve himself.

"YOU BETTER NOT PISS ON ME, YOU UNGLAMOROUS BASTARD!" screamed Hidan's head.

Deidara let out a blood-curling screech and flew backwards with such speed and force that he, literally, broke through the closed door. He watched as Hidan's head latched onto the rim of the toilet with his teeth and pulled himself out.

"WHERE'S THAT FUCKING BITCH?! WHERE IS HE?!" shouted Hidan's head while hopping toward Deidara.

For the next month, Deidara had nightmares centered around Hidan's severed head.

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**Please review and keep watch for new chapters as this fic is updated constantly!**


	4. Story 4: Team 7's Busted Fortunes

**Hidden Tales of Hilarity Story ****4: Team 7's Busted Fortunes  
****Originally Written**: June 18, 2009  
**Author**: Aoi

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Team 7 wasn't usually a team that would go out and eat together after a hard mission. Tonight though, was a different story. It was because these three teammates, along with their captain, had been surviving on plants and wild animals over the course of more than two months. It had been all for the mission, which was a top secret- out of the village, kinda mission. The kind Naruto simply loved.

It was safe to say, though, that this meal was truly deserved. The four shinobi took up two booth seats, Kakashi and Sakura in one, Sasuke and Naruto in another. It was after much debate-_coming mostly from Naruto_-that they ended up here, in a small but no doubt delicious Chinese restaurant. The vote had been three against one, Naruto of course being the only one wanting ramen.

The meal was great, and conversation was light. Kakashi sensei had been feeling surprisingly generous-_maybe from a little too much sake,_ Naruto thought-and offered to pay the bill. _He'll regret that in the morning_, Sasuke noted, but wasn't so kind as to pick up the tab himself, so kept his mouth shut on the matter.

The waitress; after picking up the empty plates and used wooden chopsticks, slid her hand down in one of the many pockets of her apron, only to reveal a handful of fortune cookies.

Sakura's heart thumped rapidly in her chest as she imagined the romantic fortune she would get- surely to be about Sasuke. She reached her hand out, attempting to look calm, but everyone could see she was as excited as Chouji in front of BBQ.

Naruto's eyes darted to Sasuke. _What did that bastard think of this?_ Fortune cookies were good-but were they too childish? After a few seconds of inner-debate, Naruto figured _'who cares'_, and grabbed one for himself.

Sasuke rolled his eyes, taking a cookie because honestly, they tasted decent and Naruto had grabbed one _so whatever_. While he was at it, Sasuke grabbed Kakashi's wrist, turned his hand right-side up and placed the last cookie in his sensei's palm.

Naruto snickered at the action, earning an unthreatening glare from the Uchiha. Kakashi instantly ripped the plastic around the cookie open, breaking it in half and tossing the actual cookie to Sasuke. He held the tiny white fortune up to his uncovered eye, squinting as he tried to stop his hands from swaying too much.

"What's it say, sensei?" Sakura asked, leaning over his arm in order to read it for herself.

"Ever-r-ything, hah, everything happens fur ah reason. Tsk, yeah sure."

His words were slurred and his exposed cheek was red-something Naruto and Sasuke both found quite amusing. Sakura, on the other hand, didn't appreciate having to constantly avoid Kakashi's hands as they randomly swung about as he talked.

Sakura let out a huff, wanting the night to be over already-but not before she read her precious fortune. She took the plastic off, setting it on the table and cracking her cookie open. She laid said cookie on the plastic, grabbing her fortune and reading it aloud.

"Mine says: 'Welcome the change coming into your life,'" she pursed her lips slightly, folding the paper and shoving it in her pocket. "Sasuke, you read yours!" she clapped her hands in front of her face, hoping at least _his_ had something about their romance together.

Sasuke looked to Naruto, whose eyes were already on him and daring the Uchiha to read his fortune aloud. It wasn't as if it was a big deal, though. Just a few words on a random piece of paper? It hardly affected him-unless he were to get one of the embarrassing, girly ones, that is. He shivered slightly before opening his, breaking the cookie and setting it down next to Kakashi's uneaten one.

Sakura had already begun to nibble on half of her cookie. Not eating it all at once, in fear of looking like a pig in front of the Uchiha. Naruto desperately wanted to eat his-but didn't want to see his fortune until it was his time. He decided to steal Kakashi's, which was now technically Sasuke's.

Before Sasuke could react, the blond had plucked up the delicious cookie and shoved it in his mouth, getting a glare and a push from the black-haired boy-but it was totally worth it.

"What's it say? What's it say?" Sakura beamed, trying not to let the disgusting sight of Naruto's full mouth ruin her mood.

"To be old and wise, you must first be young and…stupid," Sasuke mumbled.

"Hah! Even the fortunes can tell how much of a baka you are!" Naruto laughed, popping the plastic around his own cookie open, breaking it in half and hurriedly eating both pieces. He had a feeling that if he set them down, Sasuke would no doubt come after them.

"Shut the hell up, dobe."

Naruto paid no attention to Sasuke's remark, instead, he read over his fortune in his head while his mouth was still chewing away. The tiny fortune wasn't so important that he had to talk with his mouth full-and suddenly, he didn't really want to share it at all.

The blonde looked to his left, seeing only a wall with a few small cracks in it. He looked in front of him-Sakura, eyeing him with an annoyed expression. Then he turned to his right, looking down at the seat where himself and the Uchiha's legs barely touched. His eyes moved up, up, up, scanning that impressive body, all while his cheeks became more and more red.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow, "Hurry up, what's it say, Usuratonkachi?"

"Come on, Naruto." Sakura chimed in while Kakashi simply chuckled, mumbling to himself something about boats and his laundry.

"Uh, hah," he cleared his throat, swallowing the last of the cookie. "I don't-I mean these aren't accurate they, uh, I don't really want to." Naruto's hand rubbed the back of his neck while the other one read the fortune over and over, just to make sure he wasn't misreading the words printed there.

"I had to read mine. Read yours out loud or I'll break your nose."

"Ehh?" Naruto instinctively touched his nose, not particularly in the mood for a fight right now. There was a moment of silence, filled with the two boys throwing daggers at each other with their eyes. "F-fine, whatever."

As Sasuke waited for Naruto, he couldn't stare at his uneaten cookie any longer, shoving the whole thing into his mouth. In reality-the cookies weren't just 'decent', they were amazing. Sakura, noticing Sasuke's eyes only focusing on the over-exaggerating Naruto, shoved her own cookie in her mouth as well.

"W-well uh, the person sitting next to you, ah, loves you most," Naruto read.

Sakura spat out her cookie in disbelief, as well as Sasuke. Both boys were blushing almost as red as their drunk sensei. Sakura looked from one boy to the other, noticing how Sasuke was really just concerned about his wasted cookie. Naruto, on the other hand, was attempting to look anywhere but at the Uchiha.

The blond crumpled up the paper, tossing it on the table and stretching his arms like nothing embarrassing had ever happened.

"Well, I'm done here. Who's taking Kakashi home?" Sasuke asked, standing from the booth to allow Naruto space to stand up as well.

"I will. His stop's on my way home anyway," Sakura sighed, pushing their sensei out of the booth and wrapping one of his arms around her shoulders. She walked out of the restaurant-but not before giving the boys a small goodbye wave.

"Sooooo…" Naruto placed his hands on the back of his head, walking ahead of Sasuke and out of the restaurant doors. "Do you love me like _love me love me_ or just love me, _Sasuke?_" he teased, wanting to embarrass the older boy. The reaction he got was not expected and somewhat disappointing, though.

"Hng."

"Huh?" Naruto wrinkled his eyebrows before smiling that prankster smile of his. "Wait does that mean both ways, then?"

They were both outside now, Naruto had stopped walking and Sasuke turned to face him, giving off his signature smirk.

"Baka," Sasuke whispered, "You can come to my place and_ find out._"

In the morning; Kakashi had a major hangover, Sakura was still disappointed that no romance was going to be blooming with Sasuke, the Uchiha was as silent as ever-unless he was making remarks to the blonde, and Naruto had more than just a little limp in his step.

_Oh, Naruto had found out, all right._

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**Please review and keep watch for new chapters as this fic is updated constantly!**


	5. Story 5: Hidan's Cat

**Hidden Tales of Hilarity Story 5: Hidan's Cat****  
****Originally Written**: December 4, 2010  
**Author**: Time Master

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Tanned, coarse fingers counted each fold of green currency almost delicately, then neatly stacked them before placing the tidy pile inside a secure, metal briefcase. Giving a curt nod to the dealer, Kakuzu exited the trading post building where his reckless silver haired partner waited, shockingly, patiently for him.

Hidan was crouched down, back facing the miser from his spot near the corner of the building, and arms hugged in front of him as he were cradling a child. Blinking in bewilderment, Kakuzu strode over to the priest, admonishing himself for being curious over such a little thing, and heard the man giggling and cooing when he got close enough.

"You're a little cutie aren't you? So pretty and fluffy~" he sang out, head bowing to nuzzle whatever he was smothering.

"Hidan!" the miser snapped, getting rather annoyed, albeit disturbed by the Jashinist's odd behavior.

Said man turned his head in surprise at hearing his name and gave a crude grin before holding up what he had been babying. The behemoth blinked owlishly at the chocolate brown almonds that blinked back at him with a mew.

"Get rid of it," Kakuzu ordered gruffly, turning around to walk down the dusty dirt path, leaving the amethyst eyed man to sputter in protest.

"B-but I found her all alone, stitch-ass! I'm not leaving her here!" Hidan exclaimed, carrying the fuzzball in one arm as he ran after Kakuzu so he could sheath his scythe.

The miser gave the albino a warning look.

"It's a stray, and it's filthy. Look at its fur." he said plainly, pointing at the sleek brown fur.

Hidan scoffed, petting the feline gently on the head to smooth out some strands that stuck out, to which she meowed in delight, pushing her head against his palm with a deep purr. The masochist smirked.

"That's the natural color of her coat, stitch-ass, in case you haven't noticed, and it's so damn clean that it literally shines!" he commented, rubbing his nose against the furry animal's playfully.

"How do you know it's a female?" Kakuzu questioned.

"Female cats are attracted to males whereas males try to kill other males." Hidan answered, making kissing faces at the animal and turned his head to spit out when she licked his lips.

"Fucking gross man!" Hidan said followed by a hearty laugh.

Snorting at his partner's idiocy, Kakuzu took another glance at the feline, only to find that she was no longer in Hidan's arms, or nowhere to be seen for that matter. Hidan shouted in dismay at losing his new companion.

"You probably scared her," the brute grumbled, hiding a smirk that faltered when loud shrieks of angry mewls were heard nearby…too near actually.

It sounded like two small, medium sized animals were fighting, and a second after he took notice of the fact, it stopped. The area was silent with a nervous tension that didn't settle very well in his gut, nor Hidan's, and they both looked worriedly at the bush where it was coming from.

The Jashin worshiper nearly jumped out of his skin when the shredded body of a ninja dog was tossed out, sporting a recently tattered Konoha headband.

"We were being fucking tracked down?" Hidan inquired, staring wide eyed at the unrecognizable dog that also had its tongue and eyes scratched out.

Seconds after the cat from before calmly walked out from the brush with her head held high in arrogance, as if being worshipped. Kakuzu's Christmas-colored eyes narrowed at the crimson blood smearing her once flawless coat.

"_Now_ she's filthy."

"Oh fucking come on! I get covered in blood all the damn time and you don't complain!"

The taller man gave him an unamused look and continued walking.

"Ok, you yap like an over-medicated grandma on her period sometimes." Hidan corrected, tilting his head with a smirk to avoid the punch that was capable of knocking it off.

"Jeez man, don't get your panties in a twist," he teased crudely, looking down when he heard loud hissing.

The brown feline was glaring at Kakuzu, probably for attacking Hidan, hissing and spitting at the man who towered over her like a giant. That didn't stop her from leaping and latching all four pairs of razor-sharp claws around his thigh, dangerously close to a place of major importance to every man.

Yelping in pain, Kakuzu stumbled back, hopping on one foot and trying to kick the cat off while struggling to grab at her with his flailing hands. Hidan just stood there, laughing his ass off for all that was worth.

"Get off you pest!" the miser shouted, now running around with the cat clawing his head, tearing his mask bit by bit.

Gathering enough wits to stop laughing the priest whistled sharply, and instantly the graceful yet ferocious animal perked her head up in attention to his summoning, and jumped off the mass of frizzy dark brown known as Kakuzu's hair, the upper half of his mask completely destroyed.

Meowing happily the cat climbed up the albino's leg, torso, and finally perched on his shoulder, licking her paws. The scratched-up man growled at her, eyes set in a death glare that went completely ignored by both, for Hidan continued down the path.

"You're one fucking mean kitty, Milkshake," the immortal told the cat sitting her haunches on his broad shoulder, liking the name he had given her.

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**Please review and keep watch for new chapters as this fic is updated constantly!**


	6. Story 6: Kakashi The Substitute

**Hidden Tales of Hilarity ****Story 6: Kakashi The Substitute  
****Originally Written**: October 12, 2015  
**Author**: Noturne and Aoi**  
**

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Kakashi stood very calmly at the front of the room, poised, radiating his best air of power and confidence.

None of the kids seemed to notice he was there. They talked amongst themselves, shouted back and forth, threw things, and generally created an aura of unmitigated chaos. Normally Kakashi's presence alone was enough to impress anyone in a room into silence, but the kids clearly were not impressed in the least.

Kakashi scowled, radiated as much displeasure as humanly possible.

No response.

Kakashi cleared his throat, loudly, and radiated more displeasure than was probably healthy to have contained in a single room.

Still, no response. The kids clearly had some kind of immunity built up after having Iruka as a teacher for so long.

Kakashi finally responded to the old standby: shouting.

"Attention everyone!"

A brief ripple of silence ran through the room, but it didn't linger.

Kakashi took a moment to formulate a strategy.

_Well…_ he thought finally, deciding that he couldn't possibly make things any worse, _it worked in the movies._

Kakashi turned and raked his blunt fingernails down the blackboard, filling the room with a blood-curdling screech that brought tears even to his eyes. He almost couldn't bear the sound, but at least it had the desired effect. After a few short cries of horrified protest, the kids finally went silent.

"Much better," Kakashi spoke much louder than was necessary, in part due to the ringing in his ears.

"Where's Iruka-sensei?" a pigtailed girl in the front row piped up, her hand thrusting belatedly into the air.

And one dissenter naturally instigated others; soon, at least a dozen students were assailing him with questions as the whereabouts of their favourite sensei.

Kakashi waved his hands for silence, "He is…otherwise occupied today," _probably enjoying being able to sleep in late, lucky bastard_ "I'm Kakashi-sensei, your substitute. Any other questions?"

He realized all too late that he should not have left the floor open; almost as soon as he spoke, he found himself facing a barrage of questions, most of them shouted unnecessarily loud.

"Why are you wearing that mask?" one boy asked, "Are you deformed under there or something?"

"Do you have fish-lips?"

"Why do you wear your headband like that?"

"Aren't you Iruka-sensei's boyfriend?"

"Enough!" Kakashi clapped his hands sharply, "That's enough questions for right now. It's time to start class." Dutifully, he consulted the to-do list that Iruka had written up for him – a series of instructions so simple, Iruka had claimed, "even a Jonin could follow them."

The first item on the list was: _Take attendance (sheet attached)_.

Kakashi read off each name from the oh-so-helpful sheet, placing a check-mark next to each student. By the time he came successfully to the end of the list and realized that there was not a single student unaccounted for, he was feeling rather confident.

Step two read: _Collect homework_.

"Alright. Everyone pass your homework to the front of the class."

A little Inuzuka girl, Bikou, raised her hand, "Kareshi-sensei…"

Kakashi bit back a sigh of irritation, "It's not Kareshi-sensei, it's _Kakashi_-sensei," he corrected, "what is it?"

"My dog ate my homework."

There was a soft titter of laughter throughout the classroom. Kakashi frowned deeply. "Are you serious?"

The girl gestured to the tiny, black puppy sitting on top of her desk; it helpfully coughed up a soggy scrap of paper.

Kakashi raked his fingers through his hair and groaned.

Other than the Inuzuka homework incident, the morning passed rather uneventfully. Kakashi, in true Jonin fashion, refused to let this fact go to his head; he knew that the true test of his mettle would come with that afternoon's outdoor training session.

Right after lunch, he lined the kids up and marched them smartly out to training field one as if they were a squadron of soldiers. They seemed to respond well to unyielding structure and firm discipline, which was probably the way that Iruka ran his classroom in the first place. Once out in the open, it struck Kakashi just how many avenues of escape would be available to a sufficiently determined student on the run. He would need dozens of shadow clones to cover them all.

Quickly, he set the kids running laps around the outdoor track and did a recon of the area. To his surprise, the fence around the yard was already home to a decent number of non-lethal booby-traps – most of them bearing Iruka's unmistakable signature. Rope traps, paralysis jutsu, a tag that would explode and paint the unfortunate soul who triggered it neon pink, even a stink bomb that would likely make a skunk faint. All the hallmarks of a former class clown.

The man was ruthless.

_Note to self: never, __**ever**__ make Iruka mad_.

Sufficiently convinced that he would not need shadow clones to wrangle the little hellions, and that the students would not be making a successful escape at any point in the near future, he turned his attention back to the track, only to discover that hell had broken out in his momentary absence.

Two boys were rolling in the dirt in the center of the track, beating one another mercilessly while several other students clustered around them, cheering. A little girl had fallen, scraping her knee, and was overcome by tears. Off to one side of the track, several students were throwing stones at each other and laughing, while others watched from the trees overhead.

Briefly, with a sort of panicked hopefulness, Kakashi consulted the list that Iruka had given him. There was nothing on the list that covered what to do in the event of unadulterated disaster.

As it turned out, Kakashi did need to make use of shadow clones after all.

The bell rang.

Kakashi slumped gratefully down in the chair behind the desk and waved the wild mini-ninja out the door.

"Goodbye Kareshi-sensei!"

Kakashi didn't have the energy to correct the girl; he was pretty sure he didn't even have the energy to open his eyes anymore.

"Well, well…this is quite the sight – a legendary Jonin brought low by children who can barely tie their own shoelaces."

Kakashi opened his one available eye, but he couldn't find the energy to glare at the source of the voice.

Iruka bent over him, grinning smugly, "I think you owe me something Kakashi," he sing-songed.

Kakashi sighed, utterly defeated, "Do I have to physically put my foot in my mouth, or will you be satisfied by a simple apology?"

"Provided it's a sufficiently contrite apology," Iruka was awash in smug self-satisfaction – which would have infuriated Kakashi if he hadn't known that the man fully deserved it.

"Alright," Kakashi summoned the power to rise from the chair, and then, much to Iruka's obvious amusement, bowed deeply, "My dear, precious, pretty baby Iruka-sensei – I humbly apologize for the massively miscalculated comment I made last night, and hereby swear to never doubt your skills from this day forward."

Iruka took a moment to absorb all this before venturing, "And?"

Kakashi glanced up, frowning, "And what?"

Iruka made a vague gesture.

"Oh," Kakashi sighed, "and I am an ass."

Iruka laughed; amused, triumphant, but also forgiving, "Alright _Kareshi-sensei_ let's go home."

Kakashi straightened up gratefully, and draped himself lovingly over Iruka's shoulder as they made their way out of the classroom.

"I was right though," he ventured cautiously once they were halfway down the hall.

Iruka made a displeased noise, "Is that so?"

"Mmhmm…" Kakashi nodded, "I could do your job for one day – but only _one_."

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**Please review and keep watch for the final story, as this fic is updated constantly!**


	7. Story 7: Don't Mess With Kyubi

**Bonus! Hidden Tales of Hilarity ****Story 7: Don't Mess With Kyubi**  
**Originally Written**: July 29, 2019  
**Author**: Master Jin Sonata

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Naruto had been walking home when it happened. At first, he could just sense the small amount of chakra following him home, but, for some stupid reason or another he ignored it, which was so unlike him, because he'd usually face it head on, but this time he didn't.

He gasped when he felt something hard him in the head making him black-out as he fell towards the floor and pulled into the nearest empty alley.

"Are you sure he's down? I don't want to go and get attacked by demon scum, and then get attacked by the Hokage. I've seen her in action. I don't think I'd be able to survive," said the voice of a man permeating the darkness blanketing them in the alley.

"Don't worry. I made sure to hit him hard. My girlfriend's a nurse so I know how hard to hit a person to knock them out, but I don't know if I put too much force. What if he gets brain damage?" asked another voice.

"I think he'd deserve it but let us talk about giving him brain damage another day, and get back to why we're here at the moment."

"_And why are you here at this moment?"_ asked a new voice deeper than all of theirs that froze them in their places.

"Who is that?" asked one of the men in the alley surveying their dark surroundings for any shadows that stood out, but finding none.

"_Just answer the question, or do you want to die? You can choose, or I'll choose for you, and mind you, I haven't eaten in a while, and right now I'll eat anything even your pathetic selves,"_ the voice spoke hearing the sound of someone's bowels moving and the staining of pants ensue.

He smiled.

"_I guess the silence means that you want me to choose for you?"_

"No! Please don't. I'll talk," said one of the voices that had begun to cry. "We were going to attack the Kyubi's host. We're sorry!"

"_You were going to attack me?"_ the voice asked.

The men in the alley paused as they saw the silver moon aim its gaze towards the body on the floor, well, it had been on the floor. Now it was standing and looked anything but human.

The Kyubi ran a hand through his hair, taking out any non-existent knots.

"_Kami, it has been a while; hasn't it? Good to see you again, though I must say you guys are pathetic. Your ancestors would be ashamed if they could see you now,"_ the Kyubi told them as he dusted that blasted orange colored jumpsuit. He really hated that color.

"Don't kill us! Please!" begged the men not wasting any time getting on their knees to beg for their life.

Kyubi looked at them, and smirked. His stomach growled loudly enough for all of them to hear.

"_You guys can relax your eyes. I'm not going to eat you. Count your blessings that Naruto is gaining consciousness, okay? And if I wake up surrounded by your village, because you're all stupid douche bags who think that this pathetic little human is me, the awesome and powerful Kyubi, I will eat your kids in front of your ugly faces. So shut up, and leave me alone."_

Kyubi closed his eyes leaving the men paralyzed in their positions as they watched the transition from Kyubi to Naruto that was taking place in front of them.

Naruto opened his eyes to survey his surroundings while rubbing the back of his head that was aching horribly, and then his eyes saw the three village men on their knees before him.

"Excuse me?" he asked hesitantly.

He was stunned even more when they shot up to their feet and began helping him to his apartment.

When they reached his door, they stopped and let him down gently opening the door and taking in the sight that was his pitiful apartment.

They came out scolding him lightly for not telling them the state his apartment was in, though Naruto believed they should have known seeing as one of the men was the man to condemn the building.

They then picked him up again, while one of them came out carrying all his stuff leaving Naruto to wonder what the hell was going on.

They stopped at an empty home that Naruto just gaped at. Were they going to murder him in there?

Before he could struggle, they let him down and pulled him inside.

"This is your new house. I own it so don't worry about anything."

He looked at them and noticed that they looked terrified of him.

"Thank you," he whispered expecting a reaction.

"No, thank you. We'll be back later with groceries, and lots of ramen. Yum!"

When the door closed Naruto scanned the place quickly expecting a trap when he heard Kyubi.

_"Relax, and accept their generosity."  
_

"_**Why are they being nice?"  
**_

"_People can't change?"  
_

"_**Yeah-"  
**_

"_So just shut up you ungrateful bastard."_

Naruto was stunned. Not at the fact that Kyubi had snapped at him. No, he was used to that by now. It was the fact that the villagers, well, three of the of the villagers, were being nice to him.

He decided not to think too much on it when he began to get a headache and sat on the bed that was in the bedroom to take a little nap while he waited for the food to arrive. He'd forget his clothes until later.

When the villagers returned it was to a silent home.

"Why are we doing this for the demon kid anyways?" one of them asked unhappily.

"You don't have to be here, but I know for one thing that I want all my kids to grow old, or at least die in battle. It would be horrible if they died because their dad was being a-" one of the men began before he was interrupted by a voice that killed all the actions that they were about to take.

"_A douche."_

"Kyubi-sama!" the first villager to regain his senses yelled out putting the bag down to bow down joined soon by the other men with him.

"_Get up! I see what you've been doing, and I must say I like it. Keep this up, and when an asshole villager does make me lose it your kids just might be saved,"_ Kyubi said smiling. _"Just remember keep the kid happy, and I stay happy. Or some semblance of it. Okay?"_

When the villagers nodded, he went back into the room. It wasn't even, because he cared about the kid, a lot. He was only doing this because he was really getting pissed off when Naruto allowed the villagers to beat him up when all he wanted to do was hurt them. Eh, if he couldn't do that, he'd make them his bitch.

Naruto woke up to a muffin basket taking up his vision, and next to it was a fruit basket.

What was creepier is that there was a little card. Written on it was:

_Dear Naruto,_

_We, the villagers, just want to say you're appreciated. And keep up with the good job._

_Village._

"Creepy…" Naruto thought pinching his arm repeatedly as he ignored the laugh Kyubi was letting loose.

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